Trivia…Really?

Well, to begin this tale, my friend and owner of the company I work for, get invited to a game of trivia at a bar named Abraxsis, we think to our selves “really? We suck at random knowledge base”, but we deny and embarked on the adventure anyhow (shit if you win you get a $50 dollar bar tab a win, win). So we close the store a little early and head to the bar. We arrive first and begin to call the other 2 people on our team, (who were harassing us early about us attending) anyhow, they don’t answer their phones, so what do we do? We begin to drink, “to hell with it we say”. Shortly after we start drinking one team member shows up with chicken nuggets, I haven’t eaten all day so he offers me one and I happily indulge, while sipping my Pacifico that was $6 effing dollars, we decide on a team name as the last member arrives,

“The D.E.N.N.I.S. System”

A Comprehensive Approach to Seduction:

• D – Demonstrate value
• E – Engage physically
• N – Nurturing dependence
• N – Neglect emotionally
• I – Inspire hope
• S -Separate entirely

We start talking about one another’s knowledge on random facts, one has a bio chem. Degree, one is in film school, I am working on a degree in PTA and English, and lastly a lawyer, WTF we win the game in my opinion, not saying we have all the knowledge in the world but enough to kick ass and take a solid 2^nd or 3^rd, I’m good with that. So the announcer comes on, “welcome to trivia sweetness, we have the largest crowed tonight then any other night so far this year so the 1^st place prize will be a $104 dollar beer tab”. Fuck, now we have to win, that’s real money. So we enter the first round nothing to hard, it is  pretty easy, basic VH1 stuff, Second round, getting a little harder a combo of a film degree and English guys knowledge compounded with the bio guy, third round holy shit, combine of all our knowledge, we have been in first the whole time thus far, with “The Boners” staying close behind by 1 point, we have to win. The rules of the game are NO cell phones, Each member has to have one beer a piece, and a bunch of other bull shit that doesn’t matter. All the sudden we see one of the team members of  “The Boners” get up from his table and walk towards the bathroom cell phone in hand, “HOLY SHIT, they have been cheating, Eddie, grab your cell and dick and go take a piss”, he returns and we change one answer, “Damn Driz you know a lot of nonsense”. We win 1^st place and a $104 bar tab, we proceed to drink it away and head to another bar named “Purdy”,  I drink there pretty often, good amount of people there. Driz’s friend J brings a few females, a 40 year old women and her 25 year old friend that he is interested in. They both proceed to hit on Driz, so Driz decides to tell them both he slept with a girl that had herps to get them away from him, HAHAHAHA, nice Driz. In the end we all just got drunk and went our own ways.

THE END

To whom it may concern!!

On Wednesday June 30th, I will be departing for South Beach, FL for a month. I will probably be posting some far more interesting events that I will undoubtedly be experiencing while I am there. I hope you enjoy the stories to come.

Yours truly,

   Breadstickhero

What We Learned Tonight

1. Black holes are real, but given our recent experience with asteroids, comets, and supernovas, there’s no need to panic…yet.

2. The girl in the yellow shirt likes her car–and listening to herself talk. So unless you like listening to her talk, you should stop looking at her and look at somebody else.

3. Ryan has great peripheral vision.

4. When the wind blows really hard and threatens to carry off property of Starbucks, some of us will jump up and help. Others will sit and watch.

5. That wind was scary and I, for one, wasn’t going to take the chance of getting a finger caught up inside metal folding parts of an umbrella table. No, sir!

6. Decision making within a healthy marriage is like an auction. The partners make a series of rational bids in order to decide their course of action. To those not bidding, the marriage appears either confusing and disordered or authoritarian and unequal. Or something like that.

7. Kyle’s…different.

8. Conrad is allowed to answer Yon’s phone, but not texts.

9. Young people visit Starbucks to feel old; old people visit to feel young. This is how they get you. Fool.

10. Marcel Duchamp is hot!

Yon Visits “You and Your Podcast Face” (and lives to blog about it)

Congratulations to Yon who starred as John Essex’ guest on his weekly podcast, You and Your Podcast Face. John and Yon do not disappoint. If you haven’t checked out our good friend John’s ‘cast, then consider yourself warned!

Manifesto Number 2!!!

ok so we did the second podcast like last weekend and i am still in the process with it… trying to make intro theme is a bitch… but i hope to have it up shortly

devil: out

update #1: soo here it IS: YAY: Manifesto #2 for 6/6/2010 \"where Nora Jones captures ChrisG\"

My “Rules of Engagement”

*Disclaimer: these rules are not to be taken to the Nth degree, they are more like guidelines, but could easily be taken as rules if you choose to do so…. and the reason i made these crazy rules is because when you are in a relationship, you need to have some kind of boundaries and rules just make sense of things… relationships are already confusing, so a little help can go a long way.*

Rules of Engagement

1. Never, under any circumstance, get back with an ex.

Logic behind it: there is a reason why both parties wanted to end the relationship, and what ever problem you had with your ex will show up again if you get back together. Therefore, it is best to move on and not to look back. Also, if you follow this rule, it will make you understand that you need to fight in your relationships. If you let it end, then you have done everything you were willing to do to salvage the relationship. Therefore you will not live with regret of what might have been.

2. Never kiss on the first date, or at least try not to..

It is presumptuous, and shows little to no self-control. It is also always better to wait the longest amount of time, before both of you can’t stand it, at which time the opportunity will present its self.

3. Never treat someone like their are your #1 when they treat you like their #2, and vice versa

4.a (only for guys) When you are dating someone, you are also dating their best friend

4.b: (for all) whatever advice you can get from a best friend will always be the best course of action if they are in your favor (if they like you), since a best friend will always know just that much more than you will… from the start, over time this should change.

5. Smothering and controlling someone is always bad and negative. No trust will ever be established if you do. Give some breathing room for each other, if not they will start to resent you. And by giving people space, it shows levels of trust and commitment to one another (within reason of course)

6. Acts made during drunken states of mind do not count. This is because these acts were made during a state of illogical reasoning. So if you “hook up” with someone while drunk, do not assume that you just made them your girlfriend or boyfriend. Most acts made during a stage of drunken stupor are not thought out. With that said, it is not right of anyone who is sober to take advantage of anyone who is drunk, even if they are the ones who initiated the act.

7. As soon as you learn that you have no future with a person, you are to immediately end the relationship. The sooner it is done, the better it will be for both parties. If not performed, you will be breaking rule #3.

8. Always be truthful, no matter what. This is the hardest rule to follow, and should be used with discretion under special circumstances, but under all most all other circumstances, one should be 100% truthful. Special circumstances would be: breaking up, self-esteem questions, times of a death in the family (ie: i look like a horrible mess…..), and etc.

9. Don’t say that you love a person unless you truly mean it. The word love has lost most of its meaning in society, but it is one of the most powerful emotions. Because of this, it is not something that should be handled light heartedly.

10. There are no coincidences, it is by fate or nature which creates the choice encounters that we face, it is for us to decided what we do about them. But with that said, always have two feet planted with every decision you make. Fate will take you so far, and it is your decision whether or not you want to accept it or reject it.

Devil: Out

It’s a Party! You’re all Invited!

UT will be meeting tonight at 9pm at the Walker Lake Road Starbucks in Ontario, just down the road from campus. If you blog at UT, you’d better be there–or else I will mercilessly make fun of you in my next post. If you don’t blog at UT, but think those who do are cool beyond all belief, then come on out and we’ll autograph your cup of coffee.

Why Did the Po-po Steal My “Free Kittens”?

Typically I celebrate Memorial Day like any other holiday–responsibly. This Memorial Day, however, I may have fallen a little short of my personal best. And, as evidence, nearly twenty-four hours later, I’m still in pain.

So, here in a fashion I think Breadstickhero will recognize and approve of is a recap of last night (as I can best recall). (BTW, Breadstickhero was invited, but never called for directions. Thanks a lot, asshole. It’s called a GPS.)

9:05 ChrisG shows up at my house with Dos Equis. I say, “I don’t care how great your Mexican beer tastes, that’s not enough Montezuma’s Revenge for two grown men.” Immediately we begin plotting the procurement of more beer.

9:20 The beer is nearly gone and, of course, my children have chosen tonight not to sleep. My wife makes sure I’ve noticed this. I have.

10:00 The kids settle down (for now) and my wife joins CG2010 and me on the porch. Best part of the evening so far: listening to CG describe his recent sexipades on a fishing boat–nicely done! I think we may need to revise our standard euphemism from “Landing the Eagle” to “Sailing the Nautilus,” or some such.

10:15 Another friend, John, shows up. He doesn’t drink anymore but has a lifetime of drinking experience, so we welcome his friendship on this evening of impending debauchery. John’s experience (he once had membership in an unofficial drinking club dubbed “Team Alcohol”) and CG’s expertise (he is a licensed bartend) prove a formidable duo–nearly enough to kill me, I too late discover.

11:15 Once the only fully mature adult (my wife) goes to bed, no one is left to tell us not to go to the bars. So we do. Way to drop the ball, Tina.

11:20 The walk to B-dub’s is uneventful (excepting my maniacal laughter upon crossing the street. I wish I could remember what I thought so funny).

11:40 Somehow we manage to miss last call at B-dub’s. Collectively, we decide against Breaking Shit. Instead we focus our efforts on finding a bar that will still serve us what is rightfully ours. Bitches.

11:50 Linder’s is open! Hallelujah!

12:00 There are no cute girls at Linder’s tonight; Tina can now relax. Already we are bored, so begin texting friends. Yon, halfway through his annual road trip, is somewhere in Yellowstone. We send him a pity text.

12:40 Clearly Yon is jealous we are drinking without him. “What the shit! You guys are hanging out without me?” Don’t worry Yon, when you get back we’re ass-napping you to C-bus and doing it all over again. Only next time, we’ll be ready for the Buckeye hotties and you’ll have full wingman protection, courtesy of undiscoveredterritory! Pow! (as CG would say). Get ready to “Dot the I,” Yon!

1:00 Irish Car-bomb (yuck, I’m never mixing anything with Guinness again).

1:10 John, the only one with a shred of common sense, not to mention dignity, decides this is a good time to leave his two drunk friends at the bar. I could say something mean and cutting about loyalty. But I think we all know that John did more than his share of babysitting for the night.

1:15 As a goodbye treat to John, CG and I each do a shot of Grey Goose. Thank you Ugly Bartender for spinning the Drink Wheel!

1:20 CG and I proceed to have a very loud debate about which girl he should hit on. Unfortunately, the pickins’ are slim. A couple 6′s, a few 5′s. It appears that tonight is Leave Your Paper Bag at Home Night. This would have been a good time to Break Shit. Instead we drink more.

1:30 I think I had an Apple Sour. Not sure. Maybe more Guinness?

1:45 We exit Linder’s and begin stumbling home. A “Free Kittens” sign appears ahead, nailed to a tree. God says to me, “Go ahead, take the sign.” If the kittens are free, I reason, wouldn’t then the sign be free, too? (I am particularly smart, after drinking, I think to myself.)

1:46 I am now the proud owner of a “Free Kittens” sign. We loudly make plans for our newly acquired sign. You know you’re drunk when you return home with signage.

2:00 Whilst pissing on my chimney, CG nails our new sign to the phone pole. Success!

2:10 Thanks to CG and the Ugly Bartender’s choice of drinks, I am now awaiting the inevitable. Fortunately, in the meantime, we are blessed with entertainment: mysteriously, from nowhere, a police cruiser pulls up. Now, we’re safely seated on the front steps, so no worries. But we can’t help but wonder whether “Free Kittens” was not, in fact, free. Might someone have called the police, complaining that some drunk asshole stole their “Free Kittens”?

The officer exits his cruiser holding radio to ear, never giving us more than a glance, tears the sign from the phone pole, gets in his cruiser, and drives off. With my “Free Kittens”! Asshole! Briefly I consider yelling for my sign back. Somehow I restrain myself.

2:30 We plot revenge. Steal another sign? Smash beer bottles in the street? Throw up in the bushes? Yep–throw up in bushes is a winner!

2:40 We agree, CG is the man for holding his alcohol. Whatever. With little else to entertain ourselves we call it a night. Can’t wait to do it again (even if it did hurt in the morning).

4:30 “Dammit, Conrad, I’m so pissed at you right now.” I think Tina was mostly pissed by how bad I smelled in bed. Sorry, honey.

It’s About Freakin’ Time

So, maybe you’ve all noticed: there aren’t any girls blogging here. Sort of odd, huh? I mean, we’re all about trying to “solve the gender role problem” (assuming there is one). But what do a bunch of guys really know about this? That’s right, I’m taking their side (pretty smart of me, don’t you thing?).

With that said, please let me introduce all of you guys to undiscoveredterritory’s first, but hopefully not last, lady blogger. Yon, ChrisG, Devil, and Breadstickhero: meet Brooke (who will henceforward be known as Lipsoflexicon).

Careful boys. You’ve got a real audience now.

Hugs and Kisses –Conrad

HOLY CRAP, we have gone to the air waves….

Just wanted to inform all you guys that we have gone to the air waves… as a podcast, i am currently in the process in putting it up so stay tuned!!

edit: so here it is, kind of unfinished but i did try to do my little best with what i could at the short amount of time i had, chris plz feel free to do whatever you want to make it better, and we still need a better intro, just kind of threw one together quick.

Manfesto #1

Are You From Around Here?

So, ChrisG2010 and I were talking today about how useful some stock phrases or “moves” would be for our fellow bachelors. Not pick-up lines (like the title unfortunately suggests), but a template for hooking up. Like a handbook–only more user-friendly. These stock phrases you could practice at home or with trusted friends (of either sex), then take your newfound “moves” (and confidence) on the road.

While I am certainly not robust (or bachelor) enough to know all these “moves,” I think I might offer up a few and, then, encourage others to do the same. So, here goes:

1. Don’t Play Nice At First: Upon entering a seedy establishment, casually announce to your “mark,” “this place is sort of shitty, huh?” Then quickly, regroup by apologetically leaning in and saying, “does that margarita taste as good as it looks?” This 1-2 combo helps to establish your authority even as it gives you something to apologize for later (and you will need to apologize to her at least once before she gives you what you want–that’s just how these things work).

2. Extend the Conversation: Don’t settle for niceties but, instead, shoot to score by somewhat emotionally commenting, “You know, I just hate it when ____”; or, “It really sucks that ______.” Don’t get mad, but don’t be afraid to show her how you really feel. Once she sees you’re human, she’ll be more inclined to let her guard down.

3. Play it as it Lays: This works best after the ice has been broken, but once you can put your finger on something unique in your “mark’s” background, use that information to your advantage by telling a story about yourself that includes that same something. So, for example, upon learning she likes classic rock, you might tell her about that one time you saw band ______ and couldn’t believe how they _______; or, how when you traveled to ______, you happened to come across __________. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate or elaborate–but do your best to keep track of any lies, or else you may need to retract them later (and that’s the wrong kind of apology).

Bro Hugs Make the World Go ‘Round

It’s funny you should mention EMO because I’ve been thinking about the more general problem of melancholy. Or, I should say, I’ve been mulling over what the appropriate emotional range and depth is for our new ideal man.

Here’s a thought experiment that may shed some light on this problem. We might map the temporal and emotional possibilities something like this: our x-axis might run from traditional male to contemporary male; the y-axis, from emotionally simple to emotionally complex.

So, John Wayne, we might plot as a traditional, simple man. The Fonz would be a traditional male who is emotionally complex (so, too is Archie Bunker). Arnold Schwarzenegger is a contemporary male who is emotionally simple (like Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, and Eric Cartman); but Bono, Homer Simpson, and Dr. Phil are contemporary men who are emotionally sophisticated.

The Man Graph

These four categories obviously bleed into each other, and scale is important as some men are difficult to plot. Moreover, men can change–so we may want to consider the benefits and drawbacks of “emotional slope.” Tiger Woods may be emotionally cut off now, but, who knows, maybe he’ll open up for us one of these days. The emotional depth of John Wayne may be there–if only we could locate it. Bono’s heavy use of expletives may not actually qualify as emotional depth (and, if you’re cynical enough, you’ll deny his membership in this category based on philanthropy, too).

I won’t attempt to settle the question of whether EMO kids are emotionally simple or sophisticated. We could probably agree they don’t count as men in the first place and just move on. But, we should ask where our new ideal man fits on this two-dimensional scale. Should he look and act like a traditional or contemporary man? Is he emotionally simple (and there are benefits to this–e.g. thick skin, unassailable confidence, a good night’s sleep, little guilt, quick to heal) or complex (which isn’t necessarily the same thing as “high maintenance”; after all, real emotional sophistication includes self-understanding and self-help).

Finally, for fun I thought I might try to locate myself. I’m probably more contemporary than traditional (I have given and received “bro hugs” before, after all), yet my emotional depth is not on the same level as Dr. Phil’s. I usually avoid confrontation, tears, and emotionally exhausting talks. I’m not always a “good listener.” Now, I’m no Brett Favre. But, I may be an athletically challenged Craig Krenzel.

Who feels something should be posted about EMO kids?

Look, i know they are kind of like people is some aspects, but if you want to hear a little something about how i feel,please ask, and we can have a little post about the topic.

EXTRA!!! EXTRA!! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!….Next Week….Probably…Yea…

Just to let everyone know, there is going to be an extensive post next week about douche bags. Yep thats right, highly despised by men, and highly revered by women (Frowns all around). So, watch out next week. A grand collaboration of minds from THEE Conrad and Chris G Twenty Ten.

Stay Thirsty…

“Sack Up Man”

While unbeknown to me, in the process of ordering an Americano, that i needed to “Sack up”, a direct question of my man hood. While the other party, who will not be named, ordered a green tea concoction with protein. The comparison was very ironic to me, but it did get me thinking later on; and upon reflexion, realized how men in general are always at odds with one another. To be honest, i am not sure if it was the working of our own failed primal instincts  to be the alpha male of any particular group we associate with, or it is the tactical (ok, maybe not tactical, maybe more like happenstance, or maybe not depending on your theory of nature vs. nurture, i digress) dissemination of our other halves, women? Personally, i always believed it to be men being stupid and having fun at the expense of other men, but i thought about it a little longer, and realized it might actually be that women actually create this overall need for every man to want to conquer and need to be superior to everything else.

While you might think, what is this guy talking about? This guy is off his rocker! I can say, with some certainty, what i say is in fact true; we, men, are our own worse enemies. But why? Why indeed! I asked this same question to myself, and i remember something very concerning; a lot of women go for the asshole/ bad boy/ alpha male/ dicks of the world kind of guys. If you really think i am lying about this, read “The Game” by Neil Strauss; everything that happened in that book can be recreated and actually works. You might ask what works at this point, especially if you never even heard of this book: the art of picking up women, and in essence how to be a kind of alpha man. I actually know other guys who actually do this, and women fall to their every whim. Every time i tell other guys about this book, they instantly try to use it as a Bible to pick up women, but i deplore you not to read it as a gospel to follow but as a cautionary tale.

But the main point is that most women seek the comforts of a strong male figure as a counterpoint in their life; now with that said, i am not saying all women because there are some very strong-willed women out there, but i got to say that i have not met a lot of them. I digress. Back to the point, women seek these qualities and in their search find these stooges of modern man, while the rest of us are barred to the consequences of natural selection. But we, men, are constantly reinforced with this notion that we have to be a certain way, that we have to be “manly”; but in my honestly option, i don’t think men today really know what that is anymore, what it is to be a quintessential man. The modern man is a lost boat in a sea of confusion and uncertainty, and the worse part is that we, as men, do not help our own cause. Instead we continuously try to one up each other, and putting each other down. I have noticed myself even doing these things, not even really thinking about it, almost on reflex. But i say lets stop this constant contest between each other and help each other out. Be the building block for the future of mankind, and aspire for greatness for all: because no one needs to be the alpha man if we are all strong and as one.

devilnthedetails: out

On the Virtues of Barbershops

Why do barber shops matter to our project? Simple: barber shops have been (and really still are) public spaces of, by, and for men. Barber shops offer one primary service and, in most cases, do a very good job. Barbers give trims. When you sit for a barber, there’s no discussion of hair-care products, attempts to turn your already perfect head of hair into some celebrity impersonation, or expectation that the conversation need stray beyond the comfortable confines of sports, neighborhood, and family. No self-respecting barber will attempt to beautify you. Or shampoo you. Or touch any part of your body other than your head (unless you’d like your beard trimmed).

Now before I go any further, you should all know that my barber is, indeed, a woman. So I don’t want any rude comments about how Conrad is biased against salons and beauty parlors for reasons that have strictly to do with gender or sex. No. On the contrary, there is nothing essentially male about barber shops. They are male spaces and are symbolic of a number of male pastimes. But men and women alike can cut a mean head of hair. The question isn’t one of gender, but culture. Women have aligned themselves with salons. And salons, frankly, are deadly.

Furthermore, I am not going to wast time here trying to discern why so many “men” have become convinced that they, too, need worry about follicles, exfoliation, cuticles, and “bounce,” “wave,” or “curl.” These are extra-curricular considerations that men shouldn’t be about.

So: get thee to a barbershop. Get a real haircut. When you’re done, grunt a “thank you,” leave a dollar for a tip, and go do something else. When you’re old enough (say, fifty-five) you can stay and chat. Until then, leave the barbershop knowing that your barber accepts you for who you are–and did not attempt to remake you in the image of some androgynous, carefully quaffed, photogenic blow-up doll. Leave with your dignity. Because, in the end, having and keeping one’s dignity is all being a man is really about.

Let’s get to work,

Conrad

Sorry everybody that it took a two naked man embrace (not that there’s anything wrong with that) to get me to post…

Alright bitches I’m here are you happy?  I posted a post…I’ll be back someday, promise…

Yon, I’m Sorry

You’re the man–or the guy, whichever you prefer. And so I guess I’ve just been a little too into this blog thing lately. You know how it is. I guess I probably put a little too much pressure on you to post. And that wasn’t fair.

Can we hug it out, bitch?

-Conrad

Where Are You Yon Yohnson?! The World is Waiting…

Everyone, go the link on the bottom and bombard Yon Yohnson with demands for a blog post, a comment…an indicator of life…SOMETHING! Let’s make sure Yon knows we’re rooting for him!! His reclusive ways will be no more…

Stay thirsty my friends,
CG2010
Hello, Yon? Are you there?

Rites of Passage and Narrative Structure in the Life of Modern Man

Here at UndiscoveredTerritory, we have recently spoken out on such timely topics as male fantasy, technology, and gender conventions. One area of concern yet to be addressed is modern man’s rites of passage.

Increasingly, men have suffered a loss of shared rituals, the most significant of which, rites of passage, have traditionally marked a young man’s entrance into manhood. Rites, such as war, exploration, college, and athletics have all served an important purpose in ancient and modern times. While more antiquated rites are rightfully viewed as outmoded and not worthy of the same value past generation’s ascribed to them (war, armed conflict, conquest), more recent rites are less universally experienced and confer less value on young men (college or athletic competition). No doubt, the successful completion of Harvard Law School or winning an Olympic medal confers a similar kind of value as service to one’s nation or climbing Everest. Yet, the man who banks on (and later attempts to cash in on) his graduation from State U. or winning the high school football state championship tells a story that by now is cliché and less impressive with each passing day. Today, due to the erosion of universally recognized rites of passage, it’s unclear how young men should define success–let alone how they should pursue it in order to become men.

So why have rites of passage faced near extinction? I suspect the loss of rites is part of a larger and concomitant problem: erosion of mankind’s narrative structure. Gone are predictable patterns by which a man can live and judge his life. Some near universal recognition of boyhood and the “college experience” as chapters or moments in one’s lifetime remain. And, certainly, marriage is still every man’s fin de siecle. But gone forever is the narrative structure enjoyed by men one hundred or two hundred (and certainly five hundred) years ago.

What we men lack today is the “rising action” so necessary and valuable to any good novel. For we know today only how our lives begin and end. But what happens in the middle is a greater mystery now than it ever was for the great men of the past. We must resurrect the great rites of passage of the past or, better yet, invent new ones, for a new man–or else the 21st Century will crawl on much like the close of the last century. Let’s get to work.